So I don't mean for this to be too much about ADHD but I was recently re-diagnosed with it (apparently if you don't have proof that you've had it within the last two years you need to get diagnosed again) and I've started taking Aderall to help me cope with it. I also subscribed to the subreddit /r/ADHD and I've been learning a lot about myself and realizing things that I had a hard time explaining. I've been struggling a lot lately with just relationships. I seem to have an issue with starting anything with anyone. I always want to hang out with someone but I usually cancel last minute because I get stressed out thinking about what we're going to do. It's very difficult for me to plan things to do because I just feel so much pressure to make people have fun doing things that I don't enjoy doing. I enjoy spending most of my time learning about design, designing or playing video games. I really don't have a lot of hobbies which might be in part because the future really stresses me out. Having to get a job and support a family really scares me so I spend most of my time thinking about that and what I can do to become better. Now coming back from that log tangent, it's hard for me to plan things because I'm pretty chill and am fine with just being with people and hanging out. I'm used to just being with a group and just doing whatever they're doing (as long as its not dancing) and I'm usually happy as long as its with people that I like or don't hate too much.
It also makes it extremely difficult with dating because as a man I'm expected to plan everything. I've avoided dating as long as possible because it scares me so much. I'm learning to understand myself better but it's still difficult to tell people my hobbies and explain who I am. A huge part of who I am is having ADHD but its a little taboo to tell someone about your issues and struggles. They usually want to know more about things that they think define you like favorite music, movies, tv shows and what not. The thing is I don't really have a ton of favorites. It's almost impossible to rate things above each other. I just really want to find someone who understands this and won't be weirded out by my honesty.
I also think that a lot of people when try hear that someone has ADHD, at least in my case, they think to themselves, "Aww that's cute you forget things and you get distracted by shiny objects." They don't realize that there's a lot more that goes into it. It effects almost every aspect of the affected person's life. With school, relationships, and just basic day to day activities.
I also want you to know that I don't dislike myself. I'm not angry that I have ADHD. I really like the unique person that I am. ADHD is a part of who I am and I've accepted that. It's just a struggle for me when dealing with other people because its harder for me to relate to them.
I love my family and friends who support me even though they don't really understand the struggles I go through. I'm thankful for those who also go through struggles and are willing to share their experiences and how they cope with it. To those who've made a difference in anyone's life I thank you.
A Blank Canvas
I've had a lot of self-realization moments this week and I decided to write my thoughts down here so I don't forget them but also because I need someone to be accountable to, even if it's just to the nobody that reads this blog. Most of it was inspiration from watching Incubus interviews. Brandon Boyd really is the greatest human being. Well not quite, but he's up there. Way up there. Anyways in elementary school (that's right, I'm going WAY back) I was always sort of an odd kid and I took pride in it. One time I tried to fit my head in my desk. I have no idea what I thought I would accomplish from that. But the point is that I thrived on the attention that I received from being the weird kid in the class. You all remember the kid, the one who would save his farts all day and then just let them rip all at once to get the most attention. Usually this kid grows out of it but for some reason it stuck with me. Possibly because other people always saw me as "that kid" and so I let them define me. Then I eventually went on my mission and left all the people who knew me. I left "that kid" back in Las Vegas and it was time for me to define myself. I struggled for two years and, in a way, am still struggling with who I am. I think that I allowed others to define me because it allowed me to think less about important matters. To just shift them to the back of my mind and forget about them. Which I later came to find out really hurt me from progressing. Now that I'm back from my mission and done with high school I have no choice but to focus on what I want to be. It's really overwhelming because how can you decide what you want to be when you don't know who you are? So now I'm in college stuck at this fork in the road and for the first time in my life I'm thinking about what makes me happy instead of what makes me forget about my problems. I enjoy art, music and photography but I know next to nothing about any. I'm in a 2D design class right now and it made me realize that what I've been creating in the past that I thought was art really has no meaning. Art is an expression and I was just making what I thought looked good but it had nothing to do with me. This is really what started the soul searching. If I'm going to create art, if I'm going to express myself I need to know who that is. From now on I'm promising myself to put thought into everything I do. To think beyond, "I like this" to "Why do I like this?". To question everything I think about and to start building myself. Right now my life is a blank canvas and it's time for me to start painting it.
My First Child
I decided to hop on the bandwagon because let's face it that's really the only wagon any of us feel safe riding, and start up a blog. I've never read a blog so I don't know all of the etiquette associated with a blog and everything else such as. Anywho, earlier in the year I took a graphic applications class at UVU and learned how to use the various Adobe programs and my teacher suggested that we make a blog to post everything that we make so that we can start getting our names out there or in this case my name. I am also a pretty big Facebooker and not because I care what people think about what's going on in my head but mostly because I needed somewhere to put all the random things that were running through my head. If I heard, thought, or saw something funny or interesting to me I posted it as a status on Facebook. That way when I forgot about it 2 seconds later I could go see it on Facebook and laugh at myself. That is the wonderful thing about ADD, sometimes being oblivious to yourself pays off. So I have decided that this is going to be my new Facebook of sorts. I can post all the ridiculous things I see, hear, feel, smell (this one doesn't fit in, but you get the point) without annoying the whole Facebook community. Plus I can use it to post the stuff I make when I get bored or creative, whichever comes first. So now that you've heard my internet life story, feel free to comment, blog, follow, communicate with, molest, or anything else you feel the need to do on here. I'm still not exactly sure what you can even do on here but I really hope they didn't make a molest feature because that could severely limit the number of people that read this. Anyways, if you have any advice for what to do with a blog please inform me so that not every blog is odd rambling such as this one (you see what I did there? I used such as the right way so that you all would know I'm not an idiot).
Over and Out
Over and Out
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