Realizations About Life

So I don't mean for this to be too much about ADHD but I was recently re-diagnosed with it (apparently if you don't have proof that you've had it within the last two years you need to get diagnosed again) and I've started taking Aderall to help me cope with it. I also subscribed to the subreddit /r/ADHD and I've been learning a lot about myself and realizing things that I had a hard time explaining. I've been struggling a lot lately with just relationships. I seem to have an issue with starting anything with anyone. I always want to hang out with someone but I usually cancel last minute because I get stressed out thinking about what we're going to do. It's very difficult for me to plan things to do because I just feel so much pressure to make people have fun doing things that I don't enjoy doing. I enjoy spending most of my time learning about design, designing or playing video games. I really don't have a lot of hobbies which might be in part because the future really stresses me out. Having to get a job and support a family really scares me so I spend most of my time thinking about that and what I can do to become better. Now coming back from that log tangent, it's hard for me to plan things because I'm pretty chill and am fine with just being with people and hanging out. I'm used to just being with a group and just doing whatever they're doing (as long as its not dancing) and I'm usually happy as long as its with people that I like or don't hate too much.

It also makes it extremely difficult with dating because as a man I'm expected to plan everything. I've avoided dating as long as possible because it scares me so much. I'm learning to understand myself better but it's still difficult to tell people my hobbies and explain who I am. A huge part of who I am is having ADHD but its a little taboo to tell someone about your issues and struggles. They usually want to know more about things that they think define you like favorite music, movies, tv shows and what not. The thing is I don't really have a ton of favorites. It's almost impossible to rate things above each other. I just really want to find someone who understands this and won't be weirded out by my honesty.

I also think that a lot of people when try hear that someone has ADHD, at least in my case, they think to themselves, "Aww that's cute you forget things and you get distracted by shiny objects." They don't realize that there's a lot more that goes into it. It effects almost every aspect of the affected person's life. With school, relationships, and just basic day to day activities.

I also want you to know that I don't dislike myself. I'm not angry that I have ADHD. I really like the unique person that I am. ADHD is a part of who I am and I've accepted that. It's just a struggle for me when dealing with other people because its harder for me to relate to them.

I love my family and friends who support me even though they don't really understand the struggles I go through. I'm thankful for those who also go through struggles and are willing to share their experiences and how they cope with it. To those who've made a difference in anyone's life I thank you.